


These Are My Confessions

by eternaleponine



Series: Ghosts That We Knew [24]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Deleted Scene, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-09
Updated: 2014-07-09
Packaged: 2018-02-08 03:31:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1925118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternaleponine/pseuds/eternaleponine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A deleted scene from Jessica's point of view, taking place during and after <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/951779/chapters/4112277">Chapter 54</a> of <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/951779/chapters/1861493">Time for a Sign</a>.</p>
<p>You should probably also read <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/1915704">Fireworks at Dawn</a> first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	These Are My Confessions

"Pick up. Please pick up, damn it, Carol, please, _please_ pick up even though I don't deserve it please just do it anyway..." 

But she didn't, and Jessica's heart knocked against her ribcage and now she'd really messed it up and if Carol wouldn't talk to her how could she fix it? 

And how could she have screwed it up so badly in the first place without even realizing what she was doing... or, no, she knew what she was doing, but it's been almost a year and somehow, even now, she didn't realize _why_ she was doing it.

She'd always been impulsive, and her mother hated that about her and had always tried to rein her in, tried to tell her what to do, and she fought against that every day of her life (or at least all of the ones that she could remember). It was why she was here. Her mother had always told her to be reasonable, to be good, to do as she was told, and most of the time she'd done the exact opposite, just to spite her.

But this time... this time she'd done exactly what was expected of her, exactly as she'd always been told, and she couldn't even see it. She was completely blind until someone else pulled back the blinds and pointed it out to her in the glaring light of day.

And the voice of reason had thick vowels and her words tip-tilted against each other out of order, but the meaning was clear: "I don't think God damns it. I think that is just the closed minds of the people you grow up with, speaking in your ear, telling you a thing is wrong. But how love can be wrong?"

How can love be wrong?

Not that she had a lot of experience with it. Not that she'd ever been loved before. Not like this. Not like Carol loved her. Not like Natasha and Clint, even, who were her family in a way that her parents and all of the people she'd grown up surrounded by never had been. 

But Carol didn't just love her. It's what she'd said, and it's what Jessica knew, but she knew it was more than that, and she'd sent her away and told her to never come back and she'd cried herself to sleep, but she'd only slept a few hours and the nightmares were bad and there was no one there to make them any better.

Because she'd sent her away. 

And now she wanted to take it back, take it all back, go back and do it over again, or failing that at least get a second chance that she didn't deserve because how many second chances did a person actually get in life? She'd already gotten one big one, and maybe another was too much to ask, but if there was a God...

But there wasn't, and praying was pointless and so she had to put her faith in people, so she went back to where Clint and Natasha were getting ready to make dinner and told them that Carol wasn't picking up, and so Clint texted her, and went to find her, and didn't come back for what felt like an eternity, but was really only long enough for dinner to be made and get cold.

"She hasn't slept," Clint told her. "She's going to sleep, and she'll be here in the morning. Okay?"

_No,_ Jessica wanted to say. _No. I want to see her now. I need to know that she's okay. I need to know that she doesn't hate me, that she'll forgive me, that... that I didn't break her heart and that I didn't ruin everything and..._

She shrugged. Nodded. "Okay."

She stayed up too late, and Clint and Natasha stayed up with her, and she thought about telling them that she wanted to be alone, because she knew she wasn't any kind of good company, but she couldn't make herself say the words because the truth was she liked having them there, and knowing that they'd chosen to do it and it wasn't because she asked.

"Go to bed," Mr. Fury said sometime after midnight. "All of you. I don't care if it's summer vacation. You need to sleep. You start work on Monday."

"Tomorrow is Sunday," Natasha pointed out.

"Go to bed."

So they went, and Natasha caught her in the hallway. "Just tell her truth," she said. "It will be okay."

_How can I tell her the truth when I don't know what the truth is?_ , Jessica wanted to ask. "I know," she said instead, but they both knew it was a lie. She didn't know anything.

She didn't think she would fall asleep, but somehow she did, and when she woke up it was to a knock on her door. She hadn't locked it the night before; she trusted enough now that it didn't feel necessary. "Yeah?"

The door cracked open, and slowly someone poked their head in. A blonde head, and a pale face with wide blue eyes. "Can I come in?"

Jessica pushed herself up, sitting against her headboard. "Yeah."

Carol stepped in and closed the door behind her, hesitating just before it clicked shut like she wasn't sure she should. She stayed where she was, her hands hanging at her sides, fingers twitching like they might curl into fists, or maybe like she wanted to reach out and was afraid to. Jessica hoped for the latter but suspected the former, and she had to swallow hard to try to dislodge the lump that formed in her throat.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm so sorry."

Carol looked at her, her forehead furrowing, mouth settling into a frown. "Why?" she asked. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

Jessica's jaw dropped open, but there were too many words all at once and they jammed up in her throat so that nothing came out at all. Finally she managed, in a sort of rasping wheeze, to say, "I told you I never wanted to see you again."

"I know," Carol said. "But that wasn't your fault. It was mine. I did something that I never should have done, and I put you in a position that I never should have put you in, and... and you reacted, and that's okay. That's..." She shrugged, like she didn't know what else it was, but she knew it was something, and that something wasn't good, but it was human. "So it's not you who should be apologizing. It's me. Even though I attacked you, and even though that's not really forgivable, I—"

"You kissed me," Jessica said.

"Yes, but—"

"You didn't attack me," Jessica said. "You _kissed_ me."

"But you didn't want it, so technically that's sexual assault," Carol said, pressing back against the frame of the door like she needed it to support her against the weight of the words that she was laying on her own shoulders. "Any unwanted—"

" _Why_ did you kiss me?" Jessica demanded, kicking the blanket off her legs and putting her feet on the floor. Her hands were in fists at her sides. 

"Because... because I didn't know what else to do," Carol said softly. "You wanted to know what was wrong and I couldn't find the words, because I'm not sure there _are_ words for what I was feeling right then, and I just... you wanted to know and..." 

"There are words," Jessica said, and her eyes burned. "There are words, Carol. You know the words."

"I know the words," Carol agreed. "But I can't say them."

"Oh." It hit Jessica like a blow, and she rocked back, glad she was still sitting. She really had messed it up, if Carol couldn't, wouldn't, didn't want to say it anymore. 

"If I say it, it makes it real," Carol said. "And then... then I won't be able to take it back and, and if you... if we... I don't want to lose you, and I think I already have because I want something that I have no right to want, no right to ask of you or to try to force on you or—"

"Say it," Jessica said, pushing herself up, taking a step closer to her best friend, shortening the distance between them. And if Carol had no right, neither did she, but she had to hear it, because she never had before last night, and she'd certainly never felt it, not like that, and she needed it. "If you say it, it makes it real."

Carol looked at her, watched her with eyes wide, a mix of wary and hopeful, as Jessica closed the space between them until she could reach out and take Carol's hands, lacing their fingers together loosely. "I love you," she whispered, lifting one of Jessica's hands and pressing her lips to the inside of her wrist, stilling looking at her, not breaking eye contact. "I'm in love with you, and I have been for a long time now except I only just realized it all at once. Which doesn't make any sense, I know, but..."

"It makes sense," Jess said. "Trust me, it makes sense."

And then she did what she'd wanted to do ever since she'd realized that she might never get another chance again. She untangled their fingers and took Carol's face between her hands, and kissed her. "I love you too," she murmured against her lips. 

Carol closed her eyes then, and slid into Jessica's arms. "I know. I just wasn't sure if you ever would."

Jessica snorted. "If you knew, then why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't know if you were ready to know," Carol answered honestly. "And there was a chance – a very small chance – that I might be wrong. It doesn't happen often, but every once in a while..." She grinned.

Jess laughed, but then grew serious again. "I can't promise that I _am_ ready," she said softly. "I... there's things... and sometimes in my head I still... I just can't promise I'll always get it right."

"Neither can I," Carol said. "But I'm willing to try anyway, if you are."

"I'm here, aren't I?"

It wasn't that simple, and they both knew it. But they let themselves believe, at least for a moment, that maybe it could be.


End file.
